numero_deux

http://www.livejournal.com/users/unsafe_exposure/

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 02:06:02 GMT

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Fri, 09 Dec 2005 07:15:40 GMT

i was prepared to roll and fix everything. i thought i would magically feel better. who am i kidding? i can't fix all of these problems by having one good last night with these people it doesn't fix shit.

i just want to go home. HOME home.

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 15:19:18 GMT

jen and i basically have 3 options right now...
we can both move home, me to LA and her to dallas;
we can both move to LA and get an apartment together;
we can both find a new apartment here in SB together

and why the hell am i awake right now??

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 11:14:32 GMT

jen and i are going to LA this weekend.
hang out with me.
:)

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 09:48:53 GMT

this is so random i don't even know what to think... even though tonight was fucking terrible it was also wonderful at the same time. i gained a newfound respect for my friends. i realize why i love them so much. i hate arguments but this one will be over soon enough, for good. who would've known? i feel like i've broken up with a boyfriend.

whatever on a better note jen reg and i got pretty fucked up and ended up leaving the camera on video. it's a pretty fuckin funny video wow hhahaa. i think i'm gonna do this more often...

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 09:27:44 GMT

it never fails. when i think it's about to crash, it peaks. when i think it's nearing the end, it's even more the beginning. when i think i am wasting my thoughts, they're just new feelings. everything happens for a reason. maybe not in a psychic, predestined way, but in a way to allow us these better opportunities that give us some part of what we've been looking for. i used to question my motives and steer things the wrong way but i realize that at this point in this moment, i can't even change it. it's past that defining point and it's now making it's way on it's own. it is out of my hands and out of my reach. it keeps me guessing, and i like it like that.

if you think you know what this is about, you're probably wrong.
and if it didn't make the least bit sense to you, i have succeeded.

♥
thinkhappythoughts.

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 09:55:49 GMT

i feel really fucking ridiculous saying this
but i think i am seriously at that point
where i want a constant source of happiness
...such as love.

but not just with anyone...

edit: it must get tiring talking about yourself to that extent.. or apparently NOT.

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 10:45:24 GMT

i pretty much have a massive headache right now
not only that but my thinking hasnt stopped, at all..
and tonight kind of keeps pushing my decision even further the other way.
maybe i just need to accept the fact that i am a city girl
and i need some fucking movement outside between the hours of 8 and 4, at least
i dunno if i can keep going i am wearing myself out here
and all i can think about is how much i love my life back home...
im pretty much thinking i wont have a definite answer until the end of winter break
so i guess i'll just wait it out and see.

san fran and amsterdam here i come...
thats pretty much what im looking forward to and thats about it.
and then theres that stuff on the side.. but thats pretty much more heart over mind.
doesnt need as much thought as this stuff.
or does it...

so who wants to go get really high and lay on the sand right now?

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 23:10:43 GMT

there is so much sexual tension how can we all not want to just fuck eachother? it sucks.

trust no one.

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 20:35:03 GMT

i fucked up. i am so stupid. nothing ever works out the way it's supposed to. i should've known though. but in the process i definitely found 2 new ones. its weird how much a number means. the second i saw it i fell in love haha. i am so bad.. grr. wonder what tonight will bring...

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 21:44:09 GMT

i'm nooot gonna lie i have been feeling really weird. i'm really worried. i should make a doctor's appointment so i don't end up like them and fuck up. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckshitsucks =( i need to take a nap really bad...... and a showeer...... hm.

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 07:47:03 GMT

we are so dead. there is noo way i am going to party tonight. doing our nails... myspace... after the sunset... some bowls... that's a perfect night. :). i am going home to LA tomorrow. bringing home the laundry, going shopping, gettin shitty, hanging out with some people. it'll be good i'm stoked. except that i have to wake up at uh 8 am to take reggie to get his car and get some discounts from him at blue bees :):).

i have been smiling all week
you wouldn't even imagine
what has been going through my mind
only time will tell...

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 11:33:34 GMT

ireallymissyou.lotslotslots.crazycrazyweare.

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 19:30:37 GMT

wow last night was ridiculous. i was about to say i've definitely learned my lesson, but uh, i doubt i'll stick to it.

andrew officially hates me now.. sweet. it's okay i guess i'll live.

i lost my purse all last night and i was like fuuuuuck, but no it was just buried under something in heather's room. phew. :)

i'm alone at home until 2:30 and it's pretty lonely. :(

i want to come home this weekend so i just might do that. hmmm..

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 20:20:35 GMT

i'm falling in love with a false reality.

it's like this gorgeous puzzle i am dying to figure out.
this complex being just waiting to be discovered and understood.
i want to get you.
i want to teach you, and even more than that, i want you to teach me.

you'll never know but that thing you did yeah it meant more to me than anything any other person couldve done these days.
just the thought and time and patience that went into it on your part.

i fear weakness. i am not naive by nature, but at this point i wish i were.
i would be floating. i'd be thinking. i'd be smiling. me. smiling!
it's that time.

i see your eyes and i see you. all of you and nothing but you.
teach me how to be okay with all of this.
after all of the wear and tear i have experienced, i need some good patching up.
you are just the antidote i need.

and to someone out there, you know who you are: grow up already. i'm waiting but i won't wait forever.

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 06:48:29 GMT

the past couple days were really nice. i got to see a lot of people i havent seen. jen and i finally went to eat at the cheesecake factory and uh aside from out ridiculously adorable australian waitor, the food was also amazing... =). then we went to ben's house and hung out with all the usual people then went to carrs and had a slumbo at jessayyysss. yesterday jen and i went to visit rob at nine star and i got some cute ass jackets woo. then we went to ezra's all night pretty much and swingers. today we went to the brite spot with sammie and got some free chocolate cake from anson! (thanks you're the best =))) then uh my car battery died and blah blah more shit and i got stressed out but im over it now.

i think i might go to a fashion school in LA next yr. we shall see in may what i feel like doing.. staying here or going back. but either way right now i am on cloud 9 and couldnt be happier. =)

its weird how things end up turning out. im glad i went home for the week for sure.

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 20:54:38 GMT

its 12:46 and i wish that jen were up so we could go eat at the cheeeesecake factory =(. my phone has been dead for the past day or more and i am a sad little girl.. im gonna go buy a charger today though phew. hope everyone's turkey days were good. i didnt really do shit yesterday but it was nice. we laid in bed till like 2 then just sat around and eventually ate dinner then jen and i saw harry potter which was of course sick, then i hung out with zander and rob.

i have a massive headache right now and i the last thing i feel like doing is talking in circles or dealing with anyone so please do me a favor and just get to the point k thx bye

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 21:31:34 GMT

its so nice to be home. i've had such a good couple of days... i missed my friends so much. jess stayed with me for a night in SB. then we came home yesterday and i went to doughboys with jen, sammie,alex, megan and ben... for the FIRST food of the day... we are fatties =). sammie, jen, jeff and i went to jet rag and then ate again at swingers... =). we hung out at jessies after and then met up with matt, jon, adam, chris, carr, and ben later at matt's. of course we alllllll decided to go to swingers again.. so yea we did and my phone is now completely dead. now i'm obsessed with making a new cd since i cant download music in my dorm soo i will go do that while jen sleeeps.

edit: sometimes i just want to yell out "HELLO?!! what the FUCK are you thinking?" sometimes it just baffles me how people can be so absentminded and careless and so unaware of other people's feelings. not to be harsh but if u do something that is not okay and it involves me, i'm gonna tell you exactly what the fuck is up. and honestly if i sound like a bitch i do not mean to ever but i am going to say it exactly how it is, and if that is or sounds fucked up to you then maybe you shouldn't act fucked up towards me. are we on the same page yet?

i just really question people's intentions sometimes. it ends up making me feel more alone than i ever thought i could be..

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 22:17:46 GMT

(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked a cigar
(x) smoked anything else
( ) made out with a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car

(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight

(x) snuck out of parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date

(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die

(x) had/have a crush on one of your MYSPACE friends
( ) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up in a bar

( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone BECAUSE of myspace
( ) been moshing at a concert

( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
( ) love/like someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel

(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up

(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school

(x) used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake

(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer/goat

(x) won a contest
(x) ran a red light
( ) been suspended from school
( ) had detention
(x) been in a car accident

(x) had/have braces
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
( ) danced in the moonlight

(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes

( ) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying

(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins

(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) kissed in the rain

( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach

( ) crashed a party
( ) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey

(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed "penis" in class
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them

(x) sang in the shower
(x) had a little black dress
( ) fucked in a park
(x) fucked in the bathoom
(x) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something

( ) got your tongue stuck to a pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex's clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top

( ) had sex at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night

( ) didnt take a shower for a week...
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
( ) are scared to watch scary movies alone.

(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school
( ) gone streaking
(x) played ding-dong-ditch

(x) played chicken fight
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused

( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) made porn
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed

(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name

(x) slept naked
( ) French braided someones hair
( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house

not like anyone is even going to read this buut...

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 10:10:50 GMT

i am having so many weird, random epiphanies recently. i feel like i can see myself changing everyday. i mean, we all change every day, SOMETHING always changes--an opinion, a feeling, a goal, anything... and i can see myself evaluating my every move and thinking about where i want to end up tomorrow, or even next summer.

i basically fucked up and took a semester off of school, but i don't regret it. i realize that i did waste a semester and i did put off a lot of things that i eventually MUST do whether i like it or not, but i also realize that i knew what i was doing every day that i skipped class, and i don't feel guilty because this is my LIFE and i am happy and that is all i care about.. i do realize though at the same time that these opportunities that i have should be taken advantage of to the fullest. not going to school and not having a job has been more tiring to me than HAVING a place to be every day and HAVING these obligations that keep us all in order. from all of these random things i have been considering and choices i've made and blah blah blah, i feel like i can just taste life and taste the opportunities that are so open to me. i'm trying to explain what i mean and i can't even do that.

if i were in LA right now i would go to sunset and take 100's of pictures of the lifestyle of the people crowded around those bars and fancy hotels and people just crazy about life and fun and being wild and crazy and having no cares. i want to shroom this week and go to venice and just watch the skateboarders for hours and lay on the sand and smoke some purple shit and just smile with my best friends. i want to live in a loft in manhattan and produce people's lives in any and every way possible. i want to design crazy buildings for those businesses that want to attract every type of person out there. i want to just figure out people and their hopes and desires and help them to find their paths. i want to learn how to snowboard and just lose myself in the miles and miles of pure white snow, in the air, just fucking invincible shit like that.

i saw saw 2 tonight... that shit is SO disturbing. buuuut if you like scary movies it's a hella good one...

we have rodents living in and around our apartment and mold in our sink on our dishes and fuck college dude no one cleans! i am not one to speak because i am just as messy buuuut we need to throw our dishes away.. it's all good we don't care too much since we are moving in like 3 weeks anyway though. we're getting all paper plates and cups and utensils fuck dishes! we looked at a studio with a loft today and i think that is where we're moving temporarily cause we're running out of time to look for places to live..

this week should be pretty awesome to see a lot of my good friends and be home for more than just one night.. i cannot wait to go to amsterdam this winter i don't even know how to explain how excited i am ahhh! and spring break jen and i are taking a road trip up north.. and this summer sammie and i are thinking of living together in manhattan in a loft.

basically ive concocted the idea that i need to venture out and discover what i love and find some hobbies.. since being away from home i haven't thought about guys much except the select few that happened to affect me buuut i realized how unimportant they are and what a waste of time it is to worry about stupid people and boys that can't make you happy if you aren't already happy anyway. when the time is right i'll fall in love again, possibly with the same person all over again, but regardless of who or when it is, there is no rush for that. as of now it's more important to just embrace everyone you meet and just love and accept these people with whom you have to live with or deal with on a daily basis. it is more fulfilling to realize that you are accepting someone whom others may only conditionally accept, or that you are just open to trying to understand people's feelings and thoughts, and just to put yourself on their level and relate to everyone somehow, because we all have many things in common and many things that are not in common, and you just need to allow yourself to carry the patience to make friends with as many people as possible because we only live once. ...if you don't give everyone a few chances you may lose some really cool opportunities that come with ..

"peace and love."
.. i had to, it just fits the mood haha ;)

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 09:19:19 GMT

wooooooow i looooooove my new car!!!!!! =D!!!!

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 09:35:25 GMT

i've given up on the guys here. the majority of them are obviously just looking to get some. i mean of course they are, it's college, they're partying, there are a million slutty girls here... but i dunno. i didn't realize until tonight how serious this problem is haha. it's cool i mean you're looking to get some, and by the sound of the way you talk about girls and talk about getting fucked and blah blah blah, i am not surprised now that i see it. i thought maybe you weren't as bad of a meathead as a lot of the other guys but you are. and it's totally cool. maybe i won't find EXACTLY what i'm looking for here.

i realized something scary today. i realized that i've seriously come to terms with my emotions. MEANING-- i realize that people walk in and out of your life, and i know that nothing is ever definitely a constant. and because of this, the thought of ever even finding a guy here in santa barbara who would make me happy, yea that's a bad idea because half of the year i spend at home in LA anyway. so really, what's the point of letting myself get to a point of attachment towards someone? there isn't one. thank god that ended tonight as fast as it began. i am one naive girl sometimes.

anyyway my roommates and i have been looking at places to live this whole past month because we want to move out at the end of this semester and that has pretty much failed. well actually everything happens for a reason i suppose... we were supposed to move downtown closer to the school and state st, and REAL LIFE! haha, but none of the places there really suit us.. plus it's so far from all of our friends here. soooo we are most likely going to move into an apartment or a condo or something here in isla vista. that way we probably won't have to find a 4th roommate and it can still be us 3.

i'm getting a new car finally on tuesday! i am so excited. it's a convertible grey mustang ahh :). i actually start work tomorrow fuuuck. it's weird to say i have a job again. we start training tomorro and it's all this week from 6-10 at night, but it's not sooo bad cause we get paid training and i'm with my roommates. i'm excited to be making my own money once again! and i still have a reimbersment check for $166 for my ticket that i paid twice! i need to cash that shit..

there are only a few weeks until i am home in LA and my life switches to complete opposite mode once again. it's weird how that shit happens. i dunno if i can handle this whole two worlds thing goin on...

Sat, 12 Nov 2005 19:42:19 GMT

euaifdjhedihehfhdsfjr

that's my mind.
i'm about to shower, go to ventura to look at a new car, then go shopping for something to wear tonight because that is imperative. :).
i'm going crazy inside but by the way i hold myself you'd never know right?
i'm just waiting for the first person to crack and i hope it isn't me.

"..cause there's beauty in the breakdown."

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 10:06:22 GMT

we've been looking at apartments and there are some fucking cute lofts and condos and stuff by the beach here.
i'm stooked :).
i finally got my lip done again. i got a vertical labret. i love it.
i don't think i've ever watched as much sex and the city as i have this past week wow.
i have a secret =X. it must stay one though for now at least. its unsafe for these people to find out mwahaha. heheh.
i can;t wait for tomorrow, but saturday more than that even. ahh :) this will be a fun weekend i can tell..

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 05:02:15 GMT

yea. who knew it was gonna be that awesome? :)